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aqal
November 2009 
Why do you answer these questions?
Posted on Aug 8th, 2008
by 
Shameslaya
Shameslaya
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for August 08, 2008:
Given that this is the first anniversary of my blogging on Gaia and that i have posted a QAR stream-of-consciousness bleaugh nigh-on every day...and please to note new change of handle, explanation forthcoming....this is a fortuitously-posted question that doesn't require too much of a conceptual gymnastic manoeuvre to fit what is largely a fuzzy-although-prethoughtup answer about my raison d'etre here.....
I came to zaadz, now gaia one year ago because I had been informed that all the guys and gals who were into Ken Wilber hung out here and I wanted to get in on the action, having been reading Integral philosophy since 1983 and talked about it to friends in social gatherings over the last 25 years and they would for the most part just kind of look at me vacantly and develop a form of spontaneous narcolepsy that caused them to say the mantra "intellectual bollocks" quite a bit, coffe/beer in hand......so I sort of kept it to myself but the whole Integral framework, particularly in its fifth incarnation with the publishing of Sex Equality Spirituality in 1995 (I remember literally trembling as I reached for this new thick tome in Watkins Bookstore and having to walk home cos it cost me 28 quid and I had no plastic on me and this ate into my bus fare....six mile hike to the suburbs...)...anyways i devoured the Everything Theory which has always been clear as crystal to me and very easily imbibed......
Anyways, I have had a block on networking and have enjoyed a fear of the world and people, having come out of a background of domestic violence and humiliation where to be seen was rather dangerous....I knew vaguely that the Integral Institute was being born along with discussion forums and I turned a blind eye to these events, preferring to read and meditate and carry Ken in my head like a new dad in my cave.....after ten years of therapy, most of my fear had attenuated (extremely slow process even with one of the finest therapists in the North of England, Judi Ledward)...enough for me to want to connect, not just with yogis and buddhists and therapists which i am now networked nicely into these last ten years but with the Integralites.....
So I came here.
Another reason for remaining in the cave lay in my narcissistic defense mechanisms which served me well in the domestic climate and in the playground where i was bullied badly (I had prominent teeth, was called Bugs after Bunnikins and my hair grew stiffly upright in a pubiclike mass, like Eraserhead...I was beaten, insulted and spat over most school breaks and after school, no exaggeration here)....anyways i could selfsoothe by telling myself that i was smarter than the herd...which i suppose was true since I was streets ahead of all the other kids in the classroom....another reason they were out to get me....
Anyways, i get here on site to network, narcissism pretty much intact....get onto the integral Pod and am intimidated to fornicating hades by the intellectual calibre of discussion to the extent that I read all the threads and post up on none of them...If I can't be the smartest of them all then I will go somewhere where I can be....so I came to QAR to do a daily blog in order to be adored for being clever and left the Integralites alone for the first four months of my life here.....this move to QAR was not consciously taken as such.....
Two things resulted from this.....firstly, the knowledge that you regulars who post up on a daily basis are just as smart as I am and have big hearts to match...the disappointment I felt at recognising that I cannot be the numero uno dude here dissolving in the pure goodwill emanating from you all...and i feel among you now...one year on, I want to be thought of as one who has a heart, not a head...we-elll...yeah there's still a bit of that but that process is deeply eroded.......
Secondly....I got to realise that the Integralites are mostly a wonderful, warm and accessible sangha and I feel very welcome there now..because I gave voice to my fear of their intimidating giant intellects and many folk there responded very warmly to me and are now me pals as well.....
This site's just fab, innit!......you are collectively....WE are a fine bunch of folk in so many ways......
So thanks for disillusioning me so beautifully with yr fine words and love.....I emerge after one year with less fragility and the fear of others masked by the angry juicy thrust of my obscuritan prose....
Though i must say that I love to write that stuff.....it is my Julia Cameron three-pages-a-day.....
My method is to use outlandish mostly visual imagery (current neuroscience is demonstrating that mulling over metaphor uses more areas of the brain than any other activity...that's right people, more even than rumpy-pumpy...(aah, got that word in at last))...also mnemonists such as Harry Lorraine maintain that elaborate and bizarre imagery tends to linger longer in the mind.....and I let my ego stand aside and something Else takes over when i get up a full head of steam...I reckon i would have made a good preacher man....as a yoga teacher, the same thing happens...i sit in front of the class with no lesson plan and blag out a balanced programme saturated with yoga/vedanta philosophy...and it works!....when i do this I feel the Ancient Yogi taking over whilst i recline and watch...with these blogs it's more like channeling a cross between Bugs Bunny (I'm proud to have worn that name in retrospect) and the Hacker...both manifestations of the trickster archetype.....
Anyways in the second year of my life here i plan to write more extensively on all matters yogic...interesting that I know more about Yoga than anything else yet put so little of it into my bloggings here.....I wonder if that's about respect......
And i will continue to blog here wiv new handle....I'm experiencing mild shame writing this but...hey...shame is a vampire which shrivels in the daylight of public acceptance.
Have a nice day y'all. And bless you all for nourishing me in the ways you have.
Love and blessings, Jon x
I came to zaadz, now gaia one year ago because I had been informed that all the guys and gals who were into Ken Wilber hung out here and I wanted to get in on the action, having been reading Integral philosophy since 1983 and talked about it to friends in social gatherings over the last 25 years and they would for the most part just kind of look at me vacantly and develop a form of spontaneous narcolepsy that caused them to say the mantra "intellectual bollocks" quite a bit, coffe/beer in hand......so I sort of kept it to myself but the whole Integral framework, particularly in its fifth incarnation with the publishing of Sex Equality Spirituality in 1995 (I remember literally trembling as I reached for this new thick tome in Watkins Bookstore and having to walk home cos it cost me 28 quid and I had no plastic on me and this ate into my bus fare....six mile hike to the suburbs...)...anyways i devoured the Everything Theory which has always been clear as crystal to me and very easily imbibed......
Anyways, I have had a block on networking and have enjoyed a fear of the world and people, having come out of a background of domestic violence and humiliation where to be seen was rather dangerous....I knew vaguely that the Integral Institute was being born along with discussion forums and I turned a blind eye to these events, preferring to read and meditate and carry Ken in my head like a new dad in my cave.....after ten years of therapy, most of my fear had attenuated (extremely slow process even with one of the finest therapists in the North of England, Judi Ledward)...enough for me to want to connect, not just with yogis and buddhists and therapists which i am now networked nicely into these last ten years but with the Integralites.....
So I came here.
Another reason for remaining in the cave lay in my narcissistic defense mechanisms which served me well in the domestic climate and in the playground where i was bullied badly (I had prominent teeth, was called Bugs after Bunnikins and my hair grew stiffly upright in a pubiclike mass, like Eraserhead...I was beaten, insulted and spat over most school breaks and after school, no exaggeration here)....anyways i could selfsoothe by telling myself that i was smarter than the herd...which i suppose was true since I was streets ahead of all the other kids in the classroom....another reason they were out to get me....
Anyways, i get here on site to network, narcissism pretty much intact....get onto the integral Pod and am intimidated to fornicating hades by the intellectual calibre of discussion to the extent that I read all the threads and post up on none of them...If I can't be the smartest of them all then I will go somewhere where I can be....so I came to QAR to do a daily blog in order to be adored for being clever and left the Integralites alone for the first four months of my life here.....this move to QAR was not consciously taken as such.....
Two things resulted from this.....firstly, the knowledge that you regulars who post up on a daily basis are just as smart as I am and have big hearts to match...the disappointment I felt at recognising that I cannot be the numero uno dude here dissolving in the pure goodwill emanating from you all...and i feel among you now...one year on, I want to be thought of as one who has a heart, not a head...we-elll...yeah there's still a bit of that but that process is deeply eroded.......
Secondly....I got to realise that the Integralites are mostly a wonderful, warm and accessible sangha and I feel very welcome there now..because I gave voice to my fear of their intimidating giant intellects and many folk there responded very warmly to me and are now me pals as well.....
This site's just fab, innit!......you are collectively....WE are a fine bunch of folk in so many ways......
So thanks for disillusioning me so beautifully with yr fine words and love.....I emerge after one year with less fragility and the fear of others masked by the angry juicy thrust of my obscuritan prose....
Though i must say that I love to write that stuff.....it is my Julia Cameron three-pages-a-day.....
My method is to use outlandish mostly visual imagery (current neuroscience is demonstrating that mulling over metaphor uses more areas of the brain than any other activity...that's right people, more even than rumpy-pumpy...(aah, got that word in at last))...also mnemonists such as Harry Lorraine maintain that elaborate and bizarre imagery tends to linger longer in the mind.....and I let my ego stand aside and something Else takes over when i get up a full head of steam...I reckon i would have made a good preacher man....as a yoga teacher, the same thing happens...i sit in front of the class with no lesson plan and blag out a balanced programme saturated with yoga/vedanta philosophy...and it works!....when i do this I feel the Ancient Yogi taking over whilst i recline and watch...with these blogs it's more like channeling a cross between Bugs Bunny (I'm proud to have worn that name in retrospect) and the Hacker...both manifestations of the trickster archetype.....
Anyways in the second year of my life here i plan to write more extensively on all matters yogic...interesting that I know more about Yoga than anything else yet put so little of it into my bloggings here.....I wonder if that's about respect......
And i will continue to blog here wiv new handle....I'm experiencing mild shame writing this but...hey...shame is a vampire which shrivels in the daylight of public acceptance.
Have a nice day y'all. And bless you all for nourishing me in the ways you have.
Love and blessings, Jon x
Access: PublicTagged with: QaR, questions, reflections, reasons, depth, AQAL, Ken Wilber, Integralism, shame, Yoga
Love and blessings back at ya Jon..for me its the heart that wins out everytime over intellectual prowess. I will readily admit to you that I only occasionally read long winded blogs…for me words, coming from some intellectual understanding usually overwhelm and confuse me somewhat. When I can feel the heart in what someone is expressing then the words seem to take on a like of their own. And I agree there is a lot of heart here on our Gaia, yours included. Pure vulnerability has the power to melt me, like icecream on a hot day.
i'm looking forward to reading what your next year of blogging has to offer and the next year after that too and then….. yes, more.
and all things yogic – yes please!
and I was thinking I maybe ought to read some ken wilber instead of just checking out his books from the library and leaving them sit on the coffee table until it's time to take them back. which one should I really read first, do you think?
today I'm reading “mozart's brain and the fighter pilot: unleashing your brain's potential” by richard restak, m.d. and resisting the idea of actually DOing memory building exercises. I'm ashamed to say I'm intellectually lazy. curious, but sometimes quite lazy. :-)
Heart or head or soul, who knows for sure? We were created with all three, and I believe in using all gifts from the creator in the service of love, you use all three and you are loved for the unique person you are. Love sees the divine in all that is what circulates round here and makes this place so special.
Jon..aka Shameslaya,the way you write,a wonderful fluidity of thoughts and mind soundbytes.
I am grateful…..here is a link for your anniversary
John I enjoyed reading this and I always enjoy your humility although you probably can't see that right now. You're willing to self reflect publicly and that's admirable I think. You've been so honest over the time that I have been here with you [my year comes up soon too].
What can I say, we love you too Mr. Jon [I still like my 'Tantriksta' by the way lol]
Happy anniversary to you and kind and loving blessings as well.
Peace to you, sherri
Jon, I love your style, and your sense of humor is awesome. You share your insight and wisdom with us daily. What you write always speaks to me. Happy Anniversary, here's to year two… cheers!
Hugs!
-Susan
Bless you Jon for sharing yourself with all of us. I am new to your thoughts and blogs! And glad for them Thank you for the verbal, intellectual gymnastics, it is good to have to expand the mind, twist it up, do some poses for awhile. Oh that sound like Yoga to me.. Mental/spiritual yoga… Happy Day for all of us…
I am Love, Jeff
happy anniversary!
I didn't realize I could change my name…hmmmm….maybe I'll follow in your footsteps (oh wait, where does that foot go next? Over there??? Oh, how did that one get turned around backwards? Oh my.)
I'm glad you're here.
Happy Anniversary “Shameslaya” .. thank you for connecting me to the depth of your soul :) I look forward to each & every post - pulling me in & swirling me through your mind. (i'd forgotten my own bugs label - which migrated to metal mouth - etc etc)
Glad your here as well !!
much love always, Lisa
I love caves. I have wanted to live in one since I was about ten.
Bless you in return, Jon, and thank you so so much, and happy anniversary, a thousand times. What a perfect day for it, no?
This piece made me laugh more than a little!
the disappointment I felt at recognising that I cannot be the numero uno dude here
Who says? :-)
Seriously, though, the race is a long one and I'm convinced whomever forgives first wins!
I have much respect for your open sharing of your internal process, Jon. I look forward to your Yogic insight and your shameslaying tales. You are a brilliant thinker spreading knowledge and insight across the globe. I may have to try on one of those new hats soon too.
Thank you all for such comments folks…they each come sweetly to my heart……
I thought today that I would continue with the QAR thing and pour more yoga thinking into them…..
Blessings and love to all.
Om nama Shivaya.
Jon x
Jon, You have taught me so much with your writing and fearless self diving…such an inspiration to me you have been! Not to mention someone I hold so dear in my heart…who feels like a life long friend to be sure. TY for what you bring to this site..and to my life sappy as that sounds…just know that youve always got a fan here my friend who thinks youre pretty grand! hugs!
Jon
You know you rock! We love you. You bring light, love, warmth, humility and humour with your words.
Looking forward to more on yoga!
James
(PS - Sorry can't make the next NW Meet up, and can't get onto the Meetup page to say so!)
As I attempt to not be unwise and uninsightful…
I wanted to say since earlier that I'm personally far more interested in hearing about yoga. The ancient practices seem to be holding more substance for me nowadays than the New Age materials are.
I'd love your perspectives as a practitioner and as a practical guy.
Thanks so much honey, sherri
Yes..I see these also as my morning pages…and I get to read all of your morning pages as well…what a life! Grand sharing!
Thanx folks…and thanx molto for the link Bridget…..
Love and blessings, Jon xxooxx
Jon, dear Jon, growing here beside the rest of us weeds and beautiful flowers, what a joy to be reading this. I'd have to disagree that you are the number one guy when we are reading you, walking into the living area of your heart, and what a beautiful heart it is.
Your metamorphasis from Tantricksta to Jon to Shameslaya (all parts and the still the whole of who you are), has intrigued me immensely, and I have come to know the man who always speaks from a place of authenticity, even when there is a semblance of a narcissicistic mask being worn.
I'm often intimated by your erudite and profound way. I don't often understand your words, but your feeling always comes across. I get a sense of the realness of what you say. And I so appreciate that you never come across as holier than thou, and you even get some of the human juicey stuff up in your blogs. I do now, however, expect that I'll see reference to rumpy pumpy soon … (maybe now that you're on the other side of your one-year anniversay).
So, glad you are still with us journeying, joking, joining … I come to meet you daily here, heart to heart. Thanks for the invitation and the opening.
Jon, in the relatively short time that I've been reading “you,” I have found it SO easy to genuinely like and respect you. THIS blog entry, though…. oooh. Now, I'm feelin' the Love.
Consider yourself wrapped in bright, warm ribbons of pure affection from many sources and embraced with celebratory acceptance of exactly who you were, are and will be.
Summing up:
“MwwwwwwwAAAAAH!”