What separates you from others?
Posted on Apr 20th, 2008
by 
Jon
Jon
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for April 20, 2008:
I looked at this question and I thought "How can I answer it in a completely novel way cos all them good gaia folk will wax eloquently on the ole dualistic metaphysics and the ole emotional distancing stance".... and blah-de-blah-de-blah....and I think that it's that need to stand out and entertain which has kept me emotionally separated out from others...you, gentle reader...
I was a precotious child....i could speak in well-formed sentences at nine months and at two I was capable of listening to Alan Freeman's Fab Top Forty, remembering all the placings and eidetically recalling all of the songlyrics....my three neighbourhood cousins, in their early-to-mid teens, would come and ask me what was at Number Four and could I sing the lyrics so that they could learn them.....this was 1960-1, the heady days of british skiffle, Lonnie Donnegan is God...the first crop of manufactured pop idols...Joe Brown, Mark Winter, Heinz....anyway I have early memories of kneeling on the large hardwood table in our lounge singing in a clear pitch- and rhythm-perfect voice and staring them smack in the face and Doing the Biz.....they invited their friends and I began to have this teen audience thing going on until my mother stopped it because she was rather obsessive and so many folk tramping round are prone to knock the setee out of position....
There were the spinster sisters down the road who played duet piano whilst I stood on a similar table and sang the Rosemary Clooney and Doris Day which my mother subjected me to...the similar stuff going on when my parents threw lavish parties and my father would sort of challenge me in some way which process culminated in my embarking upon some performance to which he would often add subsequent derisory remarks for a cheap laff....
These were the times in which I felt connected to people...usually when I wasn't performing, I was ignored, in hiding or abused...so I was always separate and alone and only closer to others when "projecting balls" to use that seventies rockcritic jive.....
I'm still comfortable with being idealised... although I have far healthier and much more authentic relationships with those in my orbit than I had before embarking on the therapeutic journey in 1996...as a yoga teacher (and teaching yoga is what i do bestest in all the world) and as a therapist, I get these can-do-no-wrong vibes.....
The thing is, as Heinz Kohut, founder of Self-Psychology wrote......in any idealising transference, there are always strands of malice....whoever puts you on a pedestal also wants to kick you off it....how true...I have enacted this process and have had this process enacted in my face with disasterous consequences on occasion....
And central to my meltdown process is the letting go of this because one thing I have learnt very recently... painfully and bitterly and thankfully... is that connecting with the Other is a far more desirable experience than performing at them...and this is seriously scary shit given that life offstage used to be so bloody fucking awful....
But..hey...warrior man brailling out an uncertain future with integrity....that's what I got going on here....blogging not to impress but to inspire....
And thank you those of you who have offered so much support here on site....it's so much easier to drop the mask when you accept the rawness of my face.
jon xxooxx
I was a precotious child....i could speak in well-formed sentences at nine months and at two I was capable of listening to Alan Freeman's Fab Top Forty, remembering all the placings and eidetically recalling all of the songlyrics....my three neighbourhood cousins, in their early-to-mid teens, would come and ask me what was at Number Four and could I sing the lyrics so that they could learn them.....this was 1960-1, the heady days of british skiffle, Lonnie Donnegan is God...the first crop of manufactured pop idols...Joe Brown, Mark Winter, Heinz....anyway I have early memories of kneeling on the large hardwood table in our lounge singing in a clear pitch- and rhythm-perfect voice and staring them smack in the face and Doing the Biz.....they invited their friends and I began to have this teen audience thing going on until my mother stopped it because she was rather obsessive and so many folk tramping round are prone to knock the setee out of position....
There were the spinster sisters down the road who played duet piano whilst I stood on a similar table and sang the Rosemary Clooney and Doris Day which my mother subjected me to...the similar stuff going on when my parents threw lavish parties and my father would sort of challenge me in some way which process culminated in my embarking upon some performance to which he would often add subsequent derisory remarks for a cheap laff....
These were the times in which I felt connected to people...usually when I wasn't performing, I was ignored, in hiding or abused...so I was always separate and alone and only closer to others when "projecting balls" to use that seventies rockcritic jive.....
I'm still comfortable with being idealised... although I have far healthier and much more authentic relationships with those in my orbit than I had before embarking on the therapeutic journey in 1996...as a yoga teacher (and teaching yoga is what i do bestest in all the world) and as a therapist, I get these can-do-no-wrong vibes.....
The thing is, as Heinz Kohut, founder of Self-Psychology wrote......in any idealising transference, there are always strands of malice....whoever puts you on a pedestal also wants to kick you off it....how true...I have enacted this process and have had this process enacted in my face with disasterous consequences on occasion....
And central to my meltdown process is the letting go of this because one thing I have learnt very recently... painfully and bitterly and thankfully... is that connecting with the Other is a far more desirable experience than performing at them...and this is seriously scary shit given that life offstage used to be so bloody fucking awful....
But..hey...warrior man brailling out an uncertain future with integrity....that's what I got going on here....blogging not to impress but to inspire....
And thank you those of you who have offered so much support here on site....it's so much easier to drop the mask when you accept the rawness of my face.
jon xxooxx
Access: Public
difference
July 2008
you're on a roll! (as opposed to in one.) Have a lovely Sunday… “laters” x
wow Jon. i feel like i know you just a little bit better, and realize a bit more how much we do have in common.
“and this is seriously scary shit given that life offstage used to be so bloody fucking awful….”
yeah, that
I can see you now Jon, even with through these teary eyes. I see the authentic you stepping out. I would say that we have found you but I feel that you've been found and surprisingly were astonished, but have come to be less fearful about who you are? You are such an embodiment of love. We only feel stretched when we have latched on to any one little thing too long. The levy has busted loose … the water is flowing naturally again. That I can feel you and others tells me we are not separate. Thank you Jon for being real.
jon
your humour is the band aid to your own scars, and to ours.
thank you my friend.
D
You're cool. Keep letting it flow. You're freeing many others in your wake… trust me. Love you always… you old guru you! Sherri
I think it's often “I'll drop the mask if you'll drop yours first” and I appreciate you just going on ahead on all of our behalfs.
i enjoy the raw you.
It's also a far more desirable experience for the receiver to be connected with than performed at. Performance is projective in it's nature, and precludes the ability to receive the other (except applause, heckling, boo-ing). So, for deep listening, give 'n take and all that, performance has to be dropped. I know you know all this; it's intended as encouragement to insight you already have. Love, Tam
“But..hey…warrior man brailling out an uncertain future with integrity….that's what I got going on here….blogging not to impress but to inspire…” And you do inspire! (and you do impress!) Thank you once again.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks for your inspiring reverent word tone
great open revealing…
wonderful
Living Dharma, you are saying some awesome stuff today. That was an amazing quote. Thank you for it. SC
There seems to be a huge opening here with you, with others and in the collective. Shall we all hold hands and just move through the star-gate together or is that what we are already doing? I'm with Sherri (and always nice to read and feel your delicious words Sherri) that Living Dharma - you say the most awesome stuff along with the rest of yas guys. I feel a new life today pulsing in the heart of who WE are.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm really blown away by the resonance manifested by you all here. I was sort of expecting to be ignored or criticised as relapsing into bloated prolix performance…..and I see you hear the difference.
Thank you. I feel so much more stable after a day spent resting and relaxing into my own Ground. I saw friends. We had a letting go ceremony. I watched my fear sail down the river like a little paper boat. Then I said my au revoirs, came on site and read all these kind words.
Steph..thanx…I did…
Tara..i love you, too.
Stacey…we were indeed cast from the same mould i think…I enjoy the moments of deeper sharing as much as those fab dances of play we have.
John…it's just wonderful getting to know you and I look forward to deepening that connexion growing between us.
Dave…spot on, thanx…indeed band-aids that do as much good to a deep wound as a plastic knife to a carrot…..the scars i have been wont to display with narcissistic pride cos I have hitherto liked to perform like that…and maybe i'll do it again in future only without the anger…anger covers fear for me and as you and these others are helpful in letting me melt a lot of it, i don't need to be aggressive…merely passionate and playful…
Jeannie…nice comment…look forward to maybe you doing something similar?..I'll keep track of yr blogs, especially as you are going to do a month of QAR….I like the feeling-tone of yr blogs just as they are anyway…
Tam..how well you know my defensive “I know that fer chrissake, I'm not stoopid”…stupid, no..but often blind to the fact that the giving contains a hidden energy behind the known meaning which is the true gift on offer….I'm glad of the chance to enjoy greater reciprocity these last two weeks or so.
Farland…thank you…your Spirit-in-immanence has been a major influence in my life these last few weeks….and thanx for the soliloquy or howeverthehell you spell it…forgotten…long time since I wrote solilikweee….University…English Lit…long time since..anyway it was precisely apt as three darts in the bullseye..thank you.
LD..you are welcome…lovely quote..will remember that one…echoing Sherri
ET…likewise..thanx..
Well..as Eric Berne said…What Do You Say After You Say Hello?
I'll think about it and get back to you.
Love and blessings, Jon xx
I feel out of touch dug into the woods so much, and fear I'll find worthy blogs and conversations too late to meaningfully comment. But then maybe that's the advantage Jon, d'ya think? You drop the mask, and inspire (and impress…;-)) and comments flow and this blog and these comments are why I'm here, why I look forward to replacing bare oaks and rabbit diddle with some free electrons and having these words plastered on my mind. Thanks Jon, thanks everybody.
Jon, you've uncovered your essence and we have benefitted. Others molded you to THEIR needs, given your talents. Now, you shine as intended. When you perform next, the effect can be no less than awesome, even you will sense in amazed wonder at what this openning does with the love of sharing that an artist can express.
Deborah
PS Living Dharma - When I sense the sun dim, I shall check my self for cause. Thank you.
Jon, I have always seen your essence clearly under all that you call the mask and have loved every part of you….accepting you in your pouring forth of Self in whatever means was beneficial to you at the time. Unfolding and releasing can be some of the hardest work on the planet but you my friend are an inspiriation to us all. I miss connecting with you and always hold you closely in my heart and cherish the friendship that has brought me so much comfort and joy since I first met you. Blessings to you Jon on your journey to letting go and really finding joy in the real flavor of you that only you can be. May wonder and courage be your constant companions as you move forth deeper into the beauty that you are. I love you warrior man.